Tuesday Morning

Sorry it took me a while to post this. I wrote it tuesday after it happened and just didn't put it up here cause my internet has been flaky.


Best day ever so far at…9:35 am.

One: My internet isn’t working. That means I can’t email my presentation to my professor to prove that it’s done. And I won’t go into school cause I would rather feel sorry for my pitiful fucking life sitting at home crying about it.

Let me back up.

So I have a presentation that I was supposed to be at school for at 8:30. Alright so I get that ho done this morning using, thanks to modern technology, the internet sites I have already loaded before the my computer decided to not connect to a wireless port that it can both find and tell me it has 3 of 5 signal bars. So I’m ready to go at 7:50 to meet a girl from my class in the IT lab at school to rent the projector and screen for the presentation. So I get my bike. I get to carry it down the stairs because I am not allowed to park it in the courtyard cause some big cheese Frenchman (I’m being civil with my language) thinks that it’s disturbing him somehow (remember this, it will become important). Also, I took off my rain guard last week since the weather was nice and the thing was dragging on my tire…which is awesome because it’s raining quite heavily. So I get on my bike and mutter a few words about how awesome the morning is and start pedaling. Less than half way there, I decide that I’ll just ride through this puddle. Good idea! Because it happens to be a 6 inch deep pothole that has been strategically camouflaged by the rain. Poooooooof! Good thing I don’t need air in my front tire…and don’t have another tube…and can’t patch the tube that I just blew out because it’s…that’s right… raining. So I jog back to my apartment with my bike on my shoulder. I put it down, run upstairs (trip 1), fix the front wheel, grab the rain guard and screw, and run back down (trip 1). I put the front wheel back on (because I didn’t want to take the whole bike up 6 flights of stairs and then clip on the rain fender on the back…and realize that I forgot the bolt with which to keep it from dragging on the tire. Run upstairs (trip 2). Get Bolt. Run back down (trip 2). Attach Fender. Realize…oh that’s nice… the back tire is completely flat as well.
“Ted, how did you not notice that the first time?”
Good question reader. Maybe it was because the front one blew out so dramatically, maybe it was because I was… angry… maybe it was because I didn’t walk my bike home, I ran with it on my shoulder. At this point, I am lucky enough to receive a call from my land lady who asks me how I’m doing and without realizing that I didn’t say “Very well thank you” but rather “Not good at all” says
“Great. Well unfortunately, I forgot to tell you that you can’t park your bike in the courtyard. I’m really sorry, but it is interfering somehow with Monsieur Hermes, a very well to do man that is a grouch.”
“Oh okay. Well the guardian already told me that yesterday”
“She just called me again because she saw it in the courtyard.”
“Oh yes that’s because I wanted to fix a flat and leave without taking the whole bike upstairs. I only left it there for 5 minutes at most.”
“Okay…blah blah blah… so hopefully you aren’t missing class because of the flat”
“Well I just realized that I have two flats, not one, and yes, I am missing class.”
“Okay well I hope your day gets better”
“Thank you. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Bye.”
I then took the whole bike upstairs (trip 3) and realized that I had ripped my pants in seat of the pant. How clever you are fate, how clever you are. She did offer to lend me her velib pass, but honestly, after this whole incident, I would rather not let fate fuck me in the ass again by somehow crashing a heavy and unstable bike and getting run the fuck over by a bus.
Needless to say, I instantly thought back to what I may or may not have done to bring this karmatic justice upon myself. So far I came up with:
1) I have had really good luck recently on my bike
2) I haven’t been concentrating quite enough on school
3) I didn’t see any repercussions from getting drunk the last night of the ski trip
4) I might just have gotten killed on my way to school if I hadn’t hit the pothole

Anyway, I would like to conclude by saying that I am both a loser and a douche bag for not riding the RER back into class to do my presentation, but I also know that I would have a hard time sitting down in class and even standing up to do my presentation after the thorough ass-rape that I was kindly provided with this beautiful morning.

Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,

Assclown.